Miss Manners

2025-11-27 Miss Manners

Thu, 27 Nov 2025 06:01:21 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At several gatherings with friends and family, the food is blessed by holding hands during a prayer -- after I have already washed mine in preparation for eating.

Holding hands defeats the purpose of washing them, but I don’t know how to avoid it during the prayer. Refraining from holding hands, or immediately rewashing right after, might offend the other guests. Any ideas on how to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: Wash your hands at the time appointed, hold hands during the prayer, and then, when everyone else starts to eat, you may excuse yourself, having waited to go to the bathroom. You will then be able to wash your hands a second time with no one the wiser.

Do not let the subterfuge concern you. Miss Manners knows that it is for a good cause -- just as she knows better than to ask why the initial washing was nullified by touching the hands of friends and family who have also just washed their own hands.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of four years has two adult, financially stable sons. One is married with two children; the other is single. We drive 3,300 miles round trip twice a year for the children’s birthdays.

If we have dinner at the home of one of my stepsons, we contribute food. If we go out to dinner, we always pay. Not once has either of the sons offered to pay for anything.

I have never mentioned this to my husband, but it annoys me greatly. I see it as being extremely selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate. In contrast, when we visit my family, they will often pick up the check. I realize that criticizing someone’s children can be a minefield, so what should I do?

GENTLE READER: That’s not "someone"; that’s your husband.

Miss Manners says this not because it reminds her of Groucho Marx (which is merely a side benefit), but because, although etiquette still applies to family, its application can vary.

She generally opposes the widely accepted belief that honesty always overrules tact, consideration and common sense. But in this case, the best solutions to your problem begin with a conversation with your husband. He may disagree with you, and be able to convince you to some course of action. Or he may agree with you, and either solve the problem or share your frustration.

But you are right not to take lightly the decision to raise the subject with him. Miss Manners knows of successful marriages in which such a conversation would be possible without collateral damage, but she cannot judge if that is the case in any marriage to which she is not a party.

Failing that, the choices are to insist that you also pay when your family is involved -- a possibly expensive solution -- or avoid costly events with his family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you thank your neighbor for paying you to watch over their home while they were away?

GENTLE READER: Technically, this is a business transaction in which they hire you to perform a service. If anything, they would thank you for your work, assuming the plants and the cat survived the experience.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My home has an open floor plan with the kitchen, living room and dining area all combined. This leads to guests meandering through the kitchen area while we’re preparing food.

No approach I have used has been successful to deter this. How do I approach my dear aunt at Thanksgiving, who is a repeat offender? She hovers over the food being prepared, touches things and samples dishes before they are done. This makes my husband unable to enjoy the food, as he is concerned about sanitation.

GENTLE READER: Thanksgiving being about expressing gratitude for what one has, Miss Manners cannot help noticing that the purpose of an open floor plan is to encourage people to move about -- though maybe not to put their thumbs in the gravy.

She assumes that selling the house before Thanksgiving dinner is not an option. Well-placed screens to cordon off kitchen entrances are worth considering, as is assigning someone to keep your dear aunt busy -- either with charming conversation or by giving her an actual food-preparation assignment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I subscribe to the belief that, at a sit-down meal, it’s correct to wait until all guests have received their food before you begin to eat.

However, it seems like other folks never got this same lesson. I frequently find that some well-intentioned guest will look over, notice me not eating, and try to persuade me to go ahead and dig in -- without any regard for the other guests who don’t yet have their food.

This really irks me. I’m well aware that, yes, I could in fact begin eating, but I’m intentionally choosing to wait out of consideration. What’s a polite way I can tell these types of people to butt out?

GENTLE READER: A polite way would be to say, “Thank you; I will in just a moment.”

Miss Manners agrees with you that it is polite to wait for everyone to be served before starting, presuming that it is not a table for 24, and rude of the other guests to order you about.

But lest we are tempted to take a tone, she reminds you that once others do start, there is a danger in continuing to abstain: It would be rude to draw attention to another person’s lapse in etiquette by, say, ostentatiously continuing to wait for everyone else to be served. However, she suspects you would enjoy that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: These questions were posed at a dinner party I hosted: “Did you make this roast?” “Did you make these potatoes?”

I was a bit taken aback, but maybe I should just get over it. The meal was well received.

GENTLE READER: You found the questions rude because you believe that no self-respecting host would serve guests precooked food. Miss Manners thinks it more likely that your guests asked as a prelude to complimenting you.

So the proper answer is, “I did,” followed by a quick reply such as, “Would you like some more?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 30-year-old cousin is getting married, and my relatives believe she is doing everything wrong. In fact, a growing list of the bride-to-be’s “inappropriate” wedding choices has become the family’s favorite topic, especially among the 65+ ladies (all discussed behind my cousin’s back, of course).

The specific crimes my cousin has committed include: investing tens of thousands of dollars into her bachelorette party, wedding and honeymoon (instead of saving for a house and future children); holding the event on a Thursday; inviting out-of-state relatives, but forbidding their children from attending; requesting that guests RSVP using a QR code, included on the mailed invitations; holding the rehearsal the morning of the wedding, in her wedding dress (which her groom will therefore see before the ceremony); and choosing a nonreligious ceremony and officiant.

There are many more alleged faux pas, including the cut of the bride’s gown and the schedule of the hotel shuttle, but these are the most discussed.

I’ve argued that most of these decisions are up to the bride. But because I’m only 44, a member of an unfortunately “ignorant” generation, my opinions have been ignored.

And so, I appeal to you, Miss Manners -- a respectable lady who specializes in etiquette -- to determine if these complaints are valid or not.

GENTLE READER: The expression “It’s their day, and they can do whatever they want” has done incalculable damage. It posits that the bridal couple is granted license to ignore the normal consideration due to their relatives and guests.

But your family is having far too much fun critiquing choices that may be silly (oh, dear, now Miss Manners is doing it) but do not impose on others.

How the couple spends their money and chooses an officiant are surely no one's concern but theirs. Holding the wedding on a Thursday may be inconvenient for some, but it might enable others to get cheaper airfare.

As for the QR code and the children, you could just let them receive the consequences of unanswered and declined invitations. Or a tactful relative -- is there one? -- could suggest that an alternative way of responding could be added, and that a babysitter could be found to watch any children their parents must bring.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I purchased a new home -- hooray! It’s only 12 minutes down the road from where we currently live with our three young children. We decided to move for many reasons, one being that I like to host.

Once we are settled in our new home in a few months, how do I go about hosting a housewarming party? I’ve never attended one and don’t know the etiquette. Is it like an open house? Do I mix friend groups? Should I serve finger foods, plan a sit-down dinner or have a barbecue? Are there certain activities associated with a housewarming?

I don’t want it to come off as showy or as a gift grab, so I want to do it right.

GENTLE READER: Then don’t call it a housewarming party. Named parties are associated with, as you accurately describe the current attitude, gift-grabbing.

No special format will be required. As your motivation for moving was your love of entertaining, Miss Manners will trust you to figure out arrangements that will best please both you and your guests.

2025-11-28 Miss Manners

Fri, 28 Nov 2025 06:01:22 GMT

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got married at an early age, but the marital bliss was short-lived as my wife died a few years later. That was 20 years ago, and I have since built a new, happy life for myself.

In this new life, I have never had any desire to embark on another long-term relationship, let alone remarry. I enjoy being on my own, although I consider myself to be quite sociable. I have a group of good friends, who provide excellent company whenever I want it.

However, there is one seemingly insurmountable problem I face: I am surrounded by people for whom marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.

My friends and family don’t question me about my choices. They quietly accept that this is how I am comfortable living my life. The opposite is true of my colleagues, as well as strangers who somehow drift into my world. They continuously ask me why I am not married, as if there is something seriously wrong with that. I have tried to explain my reasons for not being partnered, but my explanations fall on deaf ears.

Many wax lyrical about the joys of marriage, claiming I am wasting my life and missing out by not having children. Nieces and nephews suit me just fine. Often, I am told that I have yet to find the right woman (I did). I am routinely asked if I am gay (I am not).

I don’t need recommendations for a grief therapist (done and dusted). I don’t want to be fixed up on dates with their unmarried friends, who are probably experiencing the same level of annoyance as me.

Therefore, Miss Manners, to avoid withdrawing myself from any sort of social interaction in the office, gym or anywhere I encounter such marriage-bent people, I am begging you to suggest a few polite phrases that might stop these types of conversations, however well-intentioned, dead in their tracks. I need an elegant way to say "Bug off and mind your own business."

GENTLE READER: “I’m flattered, but I thought you were already married.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love to cook and to host dinner parties, and we have many friends who reciprocate. The wife of one of the couples does not like cilantro (completely understandable), and the husband of another couple does not eat onions or garlic.

Is it rude to make separate side dishes for each of them that do not contain these ingredients, while the rest of the group has sides that contain them?

In other words, should I forgo these ingredients for everyone so that we all eat the same side dishes?

GENTLE READER: Are your other guests insistent that their meals exclusively be accompanied by salsa?

Because otherwise, it seems to Miss Manners that omitting those three ingredients still leaves a pretty wide berth for alternate sides. And making the same thing for everyone has the advantage of not drawing undue attention to the guests with aversions -- whether they are completely understandable or not.